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Professor Langman on his terminal illness: "I've got not a lot of time, and a lot of money. I can buy dinner every day."

Professor Barker: "See his feet? He's got golf clubs for feet. He's played golf so much... That's why he's the teacher."

Professor Barker: "The guy's head's being forced to fit between 2 parallel lines! That's what happens at Starbucks!"

Professor Barker: "Buying it, walking back across the street, and then eating it in this kind of weird Vietnamese prisoner-of-war camp."

Professor Barker: "What kind of stories are about those? Stories about people. Why do we like those stories? Because we're people."

Professor Barker: "He wanted you to look at that painting and say, 'That's a woman!'"

Professor Barker: "Why are his eyes closed?"
Student: "Because he's French."

Professor Barker: "I don't close my eyes when I bow."
Student: "That's because you're not French."

Professor Barker: "Resemblance is both visual and... onomoto... however you spell that at the end."

Professor Barker: "See that book? That book is not your eyes, and it's not purple. There's evidence that your eyes are purple."