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"I'm sure you're running around with your head cut off, as usual..."

Boss: "I appreciate your opinion because it's the same as mine."

Tyler: "Water."
Waitress: "Perfect."
Tyler: "Well, I'm glad I didn't order the wrong thing."

Coworker: "I can see those guys [curlers] cleaning their houses, you know, sweeping, they're done in 3 minutes."

Coworker trying to sell an old laptop: "She said, 'It's got a floppy disk.' I said, 'Yeah, it's got everything! That's why it's so heavy!'"

Coworker 1: "Do you mind having an 115 pound dog?"
Coworker 2: "I don't think my 8 pound dog would like it."

"You're really pregnant if that's got your hackles up."

"'You let another woman wear your jacket before you met me? You bastard.'"

Waiter in diner: "Hey, Mister! There's no cell phones in the 50s!"

Waitress: "Is there anything more I can do for you?"
Customer: "Lock him up."
Waitress: "I'm sorry; our jail is full. And I'm fresh out of handcuffs."