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Dave discussing The Lord of the Rings movies: "They didn't fuck things up like, Sam dies, and somebody becomes gay and gets stuck up a whale's ass."

Tyler: "Can't speak to people from 100 feet away. You use arrows."
Alex: "Attach little notes to them. They open it and read, 'Die!'"
Dave: "Love, Kholdar."
Tyler: "With a smiley face."

Alex: "What do you mean 'anything shady'? Every thing we do is shady."

Pastor at a funeral: "Do they look okay? The flowers?"
Casey: "They're flowers."
Pastor: "But what are you going to do with them all? They're yours."
Mike: "Can we light them on fire?"

Tyler: "Three way linking! Ooh, that sounds kinky!"

Grandma Anderson: "My father used to say [his ethnicity] was a cross between a jackass and a barbed wire fence."

Panelist 1: "I was coordinating the 'Too many explosions?' panel."
Panelist 2: "How did it go?"
Panelist 1: "It turns out there are."

Casey: "Why are you asking me questions I don't know the answer to?"
Tyler: "Because you're sitting down."

"There's a big difference between gritty and kinky."

Panelist 1: "How do you tempt the players [in a D&D game]?"
Panelist 2: "The great taste of bacon."